|photo by Anita Hoehen|
In fighting the primary goal is victory. The secondary goal is to partake in an exciting battle. Do not misunderstand what I just stated. We always fight to win and never do we fight to not lose or simply survive. At Invicta FC3 my secondary goal was achieved. My primary goal was not. If I had it to do all over again would I re-read the book and make alternate choices throughout the three adventurous rounds? Absolutely. I most definitely would have made some different decisions.
That being said I also do not have any regrets. I fought the best fight I could at that particular moment in time. I used all my resources to put all the parts together and the sum total was the end result. My opponent was the better fighter that night. She deserved her victory.
|Image taken from a FB post|
What I want to express though are some of the negative thoughts that whispered in my mind immediately following the loss. I do not share this in wanting positive affirmation or encouragement. I am already surrounded by that. Also now these feelings have already left my concerns though I know they will occasionally jab at me again over the course of time. I am talking to talk, yammering to yammer. Perhaps taking what residue of negativity that is left inside my body out and placing it here.
What did I feel? I felt a low buzz of anxiety swarming through my heart even though everything I vocalized was positive as I was trying to reassure those who were trying to reassure me about the loss. What was I fearing as I was sitting there in the "green room" at the beginning of my career as a professional fighter? I was thinking of the future. I feared the truth that lay ahead of me was not going to be pretty.
|38 Years in the Making. It's Official.|
I'm an Athlete. It says so on the Pass.
My body. My mind. My spirit. My circumstances. They must all conspire to work together. They must choreograph and rehearse a ballet to be improvised. They must speak one language at one time multiple times.
It is easy to talk about what could have been, should have been, would have been... if only... if only... if only...
Reality bends so easily.
|image blatantly stolen from the world wide web|
But still I understand it would be better to know than to always wonder and I am fully aware that such an opportunity is a gift to be grateful for. However seeing this does not stop the occasional fear. I only know that my fears will not stop me from learning the truth even though it is the possible truth that I fear.