I am grateful my time is now and that I did not start this so many years ago. If I had I am fairly certain that I would be one of the jaded and skeptical. My life lessons would have been completely different. It feels good to enter this world innocent and untainted. I began the long process of letting go of the idea of being a professional athlete some twenty years ago. Twenty Years Ago!!! This unexpected change in direction has been such an amazing opportunity and gift. Everyday I say, Thank You. Never in my youth would I have imagined such possibilities.
I think often about what I am learning from all this. Beyond being educated on the technical aspects. Beyond training the Mind, Body and Soul to Fight like a Champion. I have come to realize that the most important thing fighting has taught me is How to Love again.
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| Lovers of Life, Lovers in Life, Lovers for Life |
I am not sure when in my younger days the shift occurred, when my heart hardened and became unwilling and afraid. No one has left me and my parents are a prime example of Lovers of Life, Lovers in Life, Lovers for Life. They are the epitome of Partnership, Thick and Thin, High and Low, Sickness and Health, Faith and Perseverance. They are what I should believe is possible.
At times I find myself envious of small children as they express their wants and needs and pains and joys as they feel them. Their love is pure and unguarded. No fear of rejection. No censor for social norms. They make it look so simple and ultimately I do understand that it is if only I would let go. I no longer wonder why I have kept the world at arm's length. I simply accept that I do and work on gaining emotional access.
It has been pointed out to me more than once that while in relationships I seem to have one foot out the door. I have never argued with this observation. Truth is Truth though I had believed myself to be in love a few times. In retrospect I was more likely 'in need', 'in comfort', 'in fear of loneliness'. I do not want to completely dismiss their importance to me. It all meant so much at the time but when we are young it seems that just about everything means so very much. They were a love of some kind.
Fighting began with mysterious intrigue and fascination mixed with uncertainty and fear of disappointment. It was not Love at First Sight. We even broke up once for nine months. Fighting patiently found a way to sneak past all my defenses and into my daydreams, into my everyday, into my tomorrow, into my thoughts, into my breathing. For the right reasons. I love to fight. I love training. I love the raw physical exchange. I love the mental challenges. I love the constant education. I love the relationships being built.
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| "And if you want it come and get it for crying out loud. The love that I was giving you was never in doubt. Let go your heart, Let go your head and feel it now..." -David Gray |
I have let go. I am feeling now. I am here for the love. I am not afraid.
I am Hopeful for my days ahead. Hopeful for these days now as a Fighter. Hopeful for the days that will follow in which I will give myself freely over to loving to do something else. Hopeful for the possibility of actually loving a person completely enough to build a life together. Hopeful that the main barrier of being Able to Love has been shattered and what awaits me is simply more love in more unexpected ways. Hopeful in Love.
