Rise I Will

I am trying not to think in retrospect. I am trying to let go of moments passed by as I cannot turn back time and choose differently. I am trying to convince myself of what I have been saying for years: It is possible to live a life without regret if we simply make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

photo by Min Kim

There were moments I could have done so differently. My ability to see and choose wisely were clouded by other things not within my control that if I explained would only sound like excuses. Ultimately none of that matters. I frankly did not seize the opportunities. A champion would have not wasted the chances no matter the circumstances. But I am not a champion. Yet.

And so I am telling myself to let go of what could have been so that I may let in the knowledge I need to become the fighter I will be. I am squeezing out the tears that get stuck below my "always be positive for the public" face and allowing myself to feel the kind of pain only heartache can deliver. Because letting go and ignoring are two different things. And though I have tried I know that all I think and feel and believe whether right or wrong cannot nor will not be ignored. They must be allowed to preach and holler and wail their disappointments as they leave my body.

And I am grateful. I am grateful when that wretched feeling of loneliness fills me because then I know I have hit the bottom. And though I will linger in emptiness there a moment I have lived enough now to understand that the moment will pass. And from the bottom there is only one direction to go. Up. And I will rise. Rise I will to be greater than I was.

And I tell myself again what I have told myself so many times before, After today there is always tomorrow and with tomorrow there is always new hope.

And then without sleep the morning comes and the blinds glow from the promising brightness of the rising sun.

Hopeful in Love

Invicta Fighting Championships is making for exciting times in the world of fighting.  We are all rooting for its success because they are making a difference and changing the lives of present and future athletes.  InvictaFC is giving girls and women a destination to dream towards that did not exist before.  The young will take this for granted.  The jaded will be skeptical.  The rest of us are hopeful.

I am grateful my time is now and that I did not start this so many years ago.  If I had I am fairly certain that I would be one of the jaded and skeptical.  My life lessons would have been completely different.  It feels good to enter this world innocent and untainted.  I began the long process of letting go of the idea of being a professional athlete some twenty years ago.  Twenty Years Ago!!!  This unexpected change in direction has been such an amazing opportunity and gift.  Everyday I say, Thank You.  Never in my youth would I have imagined such possibilities.

I think often about what I am learning from all this.  Beyond being educated on the technical aspects.  Beyond training the Mind, Body and Soul to Fight like a Champion.  I have come to realize that the most important thing fighting has taught me is How to Love again.

Lovers of Life, Lovers in Life, Lovers for Life

I am not sure when in my younger days the shift occurred, when my heart hardened and became unwilling and afraid.  No one has left me and my parents are a prime example of Lovers of Life, Lovers in Life, Lovers for Life.  They are the epitome of Partnership, Thick and Thin, High and Low, Sickness and Health, Faith and Perseverance.  They are what I should believe is possible.

At times I find myself envious of small children as they express their wants and needs and pains and joys as they feel them.  Their love is pure and unguarded.  No fear of rejection.  No censor for social norms.  They make it look so simple and ultimately I do understand that it is if only I would let go.  I no longer wonder why I have kept the world at arm's length.  I simply accept that I do and work on gaining emotional access.

It has been pointed out to me more than once that while in relationships I seem to have one foot out the door.  I have never argued with this observation.  Truth is Truth though I had believed myself to be in love a few times.  In retrospect I was more likely 'in need', 'in comfort', 'in fear of loneliness'.  I do not want to completely dismiss their importance to me.  It all meant so much at the time but when we are young it seems that just about everything means so very much.  They were a love of some kind.

Fighting began with mysterious intrigue and fascination mixed with uncertainty and fear of disappointment.  It was not Love at First Sight.  We even broke up once for nine months.  Fighting patiently found a way to sneak past all my defenses and into my daydreams, into my everyday, into my tomorrow, into my thoughts, into my breathing.  For the right reasons.  I love to fight.  I love training.  I love the raw physical exchange.  I love the mental challenges.  I love the constant education.  I love the relationships being built.

"And if you want it come and get it for crying out loud. The love that I was giving you was never in doubt.
Let go your heart, Let go your head and feel it now..." -David Gray

I have let go.  I am feeling now.  I am here for the love.  I am not afraid.

I am Hopeful for my days ahead.  Hopeful for these days now as a Fighter.  Hopeful for the days that will follow in which I will give myself freely over to loving to do something else.  Hopeful for the possibility of actually loving a person completely enough to build a life together.  Hopeful that the main barrier of being Able to Love has been shattered and what awaits me is simply more love in more unexpected ways.  Hopeful in Love.

Compassion

The last time I smiled at an opponent prior to fighting was last October. I do not do that anymore. During the ground and pound portions of that battle there were brief moments when I saw the young woman.

Compassion. I am hurting a girl. Compassion.

There is no room for compassion inside the cage. At least not until after the fight has ended. Even then I will only be civil and professional because I may have to fight her again. I cannot afford to care about her. Indifference is my friend.

Recently I was asked about how the rules differed from amateur to pro. I mentioned that I will get to strike her head with my elbows and knees.

"Is that necessary? It seems extreme. Savage."

It is savage. It is two bodies aggressively and brutally trying to inflict as much damage as possible within the guidelines of the rules. The rules and regulations are what allow it to be a sport. The referees. The judges. The myriad of safeguards put into place to protect the participants.

The sport is savage but not psychotic. We understand reality. We intend to harm but do not wish our opponent any major permanent injury. We move with respect for each other as athletes and competitors. There is room for humanity here but only a little. Too much is dangerous.

Sometimes girls of my approximate physical dimensions want to train where I train because I am fortunate to learn from the best. I say Okay but really I want to say No. I am not very good at being selfish but I am practicing. It is an important and useful tool when employed at the right times.

I have a primary training partner. Jessica Penne. I appreciate her. We are similar in size though structurally different. We have our own strengths. We improve together. We challenge each other. We are a good compliment to one another. Every fighter should be so lucky.

We have an occasional training partner. Jordan McDonald. She is the Gemini to we Two Aquarians.  I do not know what that means but it seems to work for us. Our relationships are ever learning and unique and we are all grateful to have found each other.

That being said I do not want to train with more girls about my weight. Not even for one session. We will inevitably laugh together because I will make bad jokes. It is what I do. We will laugh then I will like her then I will feel compassion.

As women fighters we are still limited in numbers. Finding opponents can be difficult. It is realistic to assume that there is a good chance we will have to go toe to toe in the future. And in that future should it come to be...

I cannot afford to feel compassion.