Rise I Will

I am trying not to think in retrospect. I am trying to let go of moments passed by as I cannot turn back time and choose differently. I am trying to convince myself of what I have been saying for years: It is possible to live a life without regret if we simply make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have at the time.

photo by Min Kim

There were moments I could have done so differently. My ability to see and choose wisely were clouded by other things not within my control that if I explained would only sound like excuses. Ultimately none of that matters. I frankly did not seize the opportunities. A champion would have not wasted the chances no matter the circumstances. But I am not a champion. Yet.

And so I am telling myself to let go of what could have been so that I may let in the knowledge I need to become the fighter I will be. I am squeezing out the tears that get stuck below my "always be positive for the public" face and allowing myself to feel the kind of pain only heartache can deliver. Because letting go and ignoring are two different things. And though I have tried I know that all I think and feel and believe whether right or wrong cannot nor will not be ignored. They must be allowed to preach and holler and wail their disappointments as they leave my body.

And I am grateful. I am grateful when that wretched feeling of loneliness fills me because then I know I have hit the bottom. And though I will linger in emptiness there a moment I have lived enough now to understand that the moment will pass. And from the bottom there is only one direction to go. Up. And I will rise. Rise I will to be greater than I was.

And I tell myself again what I have told myself so many times before, After today there is always tomorrow and with tomorrow there is always new hope.

And then without sleep the morning comes and the blinds glow from the promising brightness of the rising sun.

Caterpillar. Fear. Butterfly.

Mostly this life is "choose your own adventure" but unlike the books of my youth we cannot re-read the story to discover different paths and outcomes.  What's done is done.  What is left are indications of what needs to be learned so that we do not repeat our mistakes.

photo by Anita Hoehen

In fighting the primary goal is victory.  The secondary goal is to partake in an exciting battle.  Do not misunderstand what I just stated.  We always fight to win and never do we fight to not lose or simply survive. At Invicta FC3 my secondary goal was achieved.  My primary goal was not.  If I had it to do all over again would I re-read the book and make alternate choices throughout the three adventurous rounds? Absolutely.  I most definitely would have made some different decisions.

That being said I also do not have any regrets.  I fought the best fight I could at that particular moment in time.  I used all my resources to put all the parts together and the sum total was the end result.  My opponent was the better fighter that night.  She deserved her victory.

Image taken from a FB post

There is much to feel positive about and proud of.  I am looking forward to learning some very specific techniques that will improve my fighting tremendously.  I am pleased to be able to identify my needs so that I have particulars to work on.

What I want to express though are some of the negative thoughts that whispered in my mind immediately following the loss.  I do not share this in wanting positive affirmation or encouragement.  I am already surrounded by that.  Also now these feelings have already left my concerns though I know they will occasionally jab at me again over the course of time.  I am talking to talk, yammering to yammer.  Perhaps taking what residue of negativity that is left inside my body out and placing it here.

What did I feel?  I felt a low buzz of anxiety swarming through my heart even though everything I vocalized was positive as I was trying to reassure those who were trying to reassure me about the loss.  What was I fearing as I was sitting there in the "green room" at the beginning of my career as a professional fighter?  I was thinking of the future.  I feared the truth that lay ahead of me was not going to be pretty.

38 Years in the Making.  It's Official.
I'm an Athlete. It says so on the Pass.

I have heard the phrase "So much potential" my whole life.  Now I stand in a position where time will tell me if potential will become a reality.  Sometimes what I fear is the possibility of never coming into fruition.  What if I cannot be what so many believe I can be; what I have believed I can be; what I hope so much to be?

My body.  My mind.   My spirit.  My circumstances.  They must all conspire to work together.  They must choreograph and rehearse a ballet to be improvised.  They must speak one language at one time multiple times.

It is easy to talk about what could have been, should have been, would have been... if only... if only... if only...

Reality bends so easily.

image blatantly stolen from the world wide web

There are no excuses for me anymore.  In the world of fighting my time to become is in view.  The answers I seek will reveal themselves over the course of the next year or two or three.  I am hopeful the metamorphosis gives birth to the butterfly.  I am fearful of the caterpillar suffocating in the chrysalis.

But still I understand it would be better to know than to always wonder and I am fully aware that such an opportunity is a gift to be grateful for.  However seeing this does not stop the occasional fear.  I only know that my fears will not stop me from learning the truth even though it is the possible truth that I fear.