Yesterday I asked a friend of mine how he was doing to which he responded, “I’m fine but I’m sort of going through a midlife crisis.”
“You’re too young to be going through a midlife crisis,” I said hoping to make him at least feel young-ish.
“It can happen at any time,” he replied in a somber tone.
“I know. It happened to me this morning,” I confessed… and we laughed! I like that we can speak respectfully of serious matters and still find the humor in our lives and ourselves.
I had spent a good part of my morning wondering about ex-boyfriends and where their lives had taken them. I Googled a few. This is the extent of my stalking zeal. Google. Without the internet in the palm of my hand I would have gone back to sleep.
They are doing well! At least so it seems according to sites like LinkedIn, etc. I tell myself that since they have found their way to good careers that they must be happy in all aspects of their lives. I certainly hope so!
I do not spend my time regretting the end of our relationships. I do not think about what could have been. I do not think of ways to break up their happy homes to reclaim what was once mine. I do not wish we were still a couple.
I am more narcissistic in my thoughts.
What I think about is, What have I become? Or better yet, When will I become? I beat myself up about being lazy and think that I am even lazy about that. This is because I have accepted my laziness to a degree. I describe one of my sisters as a, Go-Getter! I describe myself as a, Come-Get-Me!
I spend more time sleeping or daydreaming than any other particular activity or better said, inactivity. I prefer to nap than watch TV or do whatever it is people do to fill their time throughout the day. Some mornings I wake up and shower and get ready to leave home only to ask myself, Is there anything I really have to do today? Really? When the answer is NO I will crawl right back into bed and make no qualms about it. I can fall into a slumber in the middle of a four shot Americano.
So on the occasions when I do get a bit woe-is-me Maybe I should be doing more to further my career What is my career When will I decide what I want to be when I grow up When will I grow up Why do I refuse to make simple phone calls and send emails Why not go back to school Learn something but what what what do I want to learn Will I ever find a way to be financially stable Shouldn’t I be more concerned about seeking out the love of my life What is this life When will I do more more more… And anxiety starts to fill my blood stream and I am overwhelmed with some unnamed fear that reminds me of my youth.
I wallow in this space throughout the day.
According to the free online dictionary: “wal·low intr.v. wal·lowed, wal·low·ing, wal·lows
1. To roll the body about indolently or clumsily in or as if in water, snow, or mud.
2. To luxuriate; revel: wallow in self-righteousness.“
I am in bed in my thoughts so Yes, I wallow.
Then there is a shift in focus.
I think about fight training.
And from out of nowhere I begin to think, How lucky am I? And I am immediately filled with happiness and inspiration.
It is the right of the young to dream and work toward becoming professional athletes. But look at me! What an extraordinary place I am at at the age of 37! My coaches are cultivating a fighter! And we are still just in the early stages of this future career. They are grooming me to go Pro! What an absurd notion! What a wonderful reality!
How lucky am I?!
So lucky that I am content again and can get back to the business of having a quality nap before going to training.
|photo by Gerald Fontejon|